Dear Journal

I am not very good at expressing my feelings, especially onto paper! 2 years ago a part of my heart was stolen (the only word I can think of). It started off as a fabulous day, I had made my salad all ready for our Annual Prime Rib dinner at my mom's house. I was so excited because Christmas is my favorite time of year. You get to hang out with family and just relax. Before heading down to Spanish Fork we went and got our family pictures taken at Jc Penney I was so excited because It was our first Family photo, Colter, me and Gavin. I was also about 18 weeks pregnant with Kamryn (we had just found out that we were having a girl). After pictures we were on our way and I called my mom to let her know that we were on the road. Everything was fine when I talked to her. Right before we hung up she had mentioned that she better go get my sister up to help her get the house ready. At this time it was about 11:00 which is normal for my sister to sleep in like that, she was a real basement hermit crab. I was so excited for the festivities. As we got to the gate of Covered Bridge we saw a ambulance coming out with no lights on. I made the stupid comment that it was probably a false alarm with either my Great Grandma or Grandpa. Then as we went up the hill and pulled into my mom's house my heart sunk. There were police officers there and I knew something was wrong. I hopped out of the car and ran up the steps the moment I opened the door my dad was there....everyone was crying. The first thing he said to me was "Emo's Dead". I couldn't believe it I was in shock for quite awhile just not believing that it could happen to my family. Emo and I were so close and I was in total denial for awhile. I miss her so much. You never think that it can happen to you until it does and I hate the feeling where I can never talk to her again or see her again in this life. I talked to her on the phone everyday. She was having problems and I felt like she could talk to about them to me. I really don't like to express my feelings much but I was so mad that heavenly father took her so early in her life. I didn't want to go to church for awhile and I didn't want to talk to anybody. My husband was like the iron rod just letting me be and letting me take my time to understand and heal. I wouldn't let anyone know how I felt because I didn't want to be known as a baby and someone who just couldn't cope. Sometimes I would take a shower in the middle of the night and just cry. I would blame it on the pregnancy. After awhile I made myself understand that she was up in heaven doing marvelous work. The day we got to do her work in the temple was one of the most sacred and wonderful days of my life. I actually felt like she was telling me that it was okay for her to be one and that now her endowments were done she was able to do so much more. I guess I'm writing this down for my own memories. I miss her more than anything but I know that my kids have been up there with her and that she sent some of her when they came down. Kamryn's middle name is Emilee, and I swear sometimes I feel like I see my sister through her. I love my heavenly father and I know this was probably one of the biggest trials I had to go through. and I feel like I did it in my own time, but I did it.

Update

Just a few updates...We are still trying to figure out how to get Dawson to stop puking after every bottle. We have tried burping him every 5 minutes between feedings, and changing his formula to the expensive rice starch added ones and nothing is working. Hmmmm I called my pediatricians nurse today and he is supposed to call me back with next course of action. Kamryn is a goofball every single day. She wants to be just like Gavin. She copies him in everything he does and wants to do everything with him. Gavin is the best big brother I could ask for. He is so caring about Dawson and Kamryn. I thought my kids would have a hard time when Dawson came but they have just kept doing what they did before he was born. Dawson is now a month old. He really is a great baby, he just throws up alot. Well here are a couple of pictures.



Dawson's 3rd outfit change for the morning. He also has like bumpy rash on his face and neck and shoulders. at first I thought it was baby acne, but I think it might be something else now....hmmmm





Kamryn loves to pull this face, she is constantly wanting to be next to Dawson and she will dance and sing all the time.

Daddy and Dawson Asleep after a long day!

None of these pictures are in any particular order! here are our family pictures taken in St. George! I hated me in them but oh well!



Here are my gorgeous kids even though they will never look at my camera!

We went to St. George and Jill took some pics of Dawson! Here's how they turned out!

Lots of fun these past couple of weeks, there are quite a few random pictures of the kids, but it is so hard just to chose one!! Here they are just hanging out with Dawson.

Here's my handsome Gavin!! He is such a good big brother, always worrying about Dawson and Kamryn!

This is a terrible picture of me but I'm just showing my new hair color. I had my sister-in-law do it at my mother in laws house! I love the color! (I just woke up so no make up and the hair isn't even combed)

Just a pic of me and Dawson!!

Here's my goof ball! She is so funny! She has the best personality ever!

Cute boys! oops it's sideways!

So dang cute!

So many pictures!!

So many pictures to post I don't know what to do with all of them. I think every picture I take of my kids is worth sharing on my blog!! hahaha I guess that's just a proud parent talking. So everything here is great! Dawson is such a handsome cutie pie!! Gavin is the best big brother you could ask for, and Kamryn is just a curious little princess. I'm healing and feeling better each day. I get out of the shower and try to wipe off the black underneath my eyes then I have to remind myself that I havn' worn make-up in a long time and it's just the dark dark circles lurking from lack of sleep!! haha oh well! We're going to St. George on Friday to get Whiteley family pics taken. I am excited but nervous about a 6 hour car ride with 3 kids..aaaaggghhhh thank goodness for our duel dvd players! I guess I'll post some pics when I get back!

More Random Pictures!!

Dawson Chadwick Whiteley!

November 3, 2009 at 5:52 p.m. Dawson C. Whiteley entered the world weighing 7 lb 2 oz and measuring 18 1/2 inches long!! It was a whirlwind delivery! I got to the hospital at 1 p.m. to get induced. They had me all hooked up to an IV and all that fun stuff by about 2:30. The dr. came in at 3:30 to get things started he decided to POP my water (literally that's what happend when he did it, a big loud pop and the flood gates opened) I was at 3cm when he broke my water. Right after my water broke the contractions started immediately and they were coming hard. I got the epidural which was absolutely fantastic!! At 4 something I was at 5cm and thinking that it would take a couple of hours before Dawson would arrive. 5:30 came and I was at 8cm, my dr and nurses were getting worried because every 1-2 minutes Dawson's heartrate would drop down into the 50's. The dr. told the nurses to get everything ready because he needed to get out quickly. I thought I was going to have to push for awhile since I was at a 8. But 2-3 quick pushes later (and the help of a vacuum) Dawson made his way into the world. He had some fluid in his lungs and his temp was low but other than that he was so cute and tiny! Well that's my story!!! hahaha we are doing great, he just got circumcized today and is such a happy boy!

Going in to get enduced!

I am definately nervous about going in tomorrow to get enduced. I know that the end result will definately be worth everything that I will go through tomorrow, but I am not ready to deal with everything that going into labor comes with....Well I will try and post some pics when I get home from the hospital but we will see! I had to show my husband how to sign into facebook and post something there so I will not even try to show him how to use the BLOG!! hahaha Well until next time!